Elderly sex lives thrive: Are retirement homes the new hotspots?

Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.
There are a variety of ways ageing can affect intimacy. What do you need to know about the future of your sex life? Photo / Getty Images
OPINION
We tend to assume that ageing makes sex worse, if not removing it from our lives altogether by a certain point.

There’s no denying that erectile dysfunction increases with age, along with other physical health problems that limit what we can do in the bedroom. But there are some
unexpected ways that ageing affects intimacy that might change how you view the future of your sex life.

Sexually transmitted infections among elderly people, including those in retirement homes, have hit a record high in recent years, suggesting there’s a lot more sex going on in these settings than people expect.
A 2020 paper even found that “access to sex workers is happening in RACF [Residential Aged Care Facilities] in New Zealand, if not in all facilities, at least in a number of them around the country…”
Unsurprisingly, there are some differences in how this demographic accesses sex workers.
One man shared he found a sex worker through a newspaper ad. While he thought her $80 fee was “too much,” he added, “she was more fun than anything else. I was laughing all the time”.
Whether they’re paying for it or not, these researchers emphasise how important sexual freedom is for the elderly, particularly as a way to battle the loneliness that can be rife within this group.
With one in four New Zealanders saying their physical health affects their sex life, it’s fair to assume this challenge is even bigger in retirement homes. We can only imagine how much more sex these seniors would be having if their health wasn’t holding them back.
The 50+ crowd using dating apps are giving younger users a run for their money with their sex-positiveness.
App users in this age group are just as likely as younger users to be on these platforms purely for hookups, and their adventurous streak isn’t just limited to penetrative sex.
A New Zealand study found they’re significantly more likely to send “intimate pictures” than under-30s. They’re also far less likely to use protection like condoms, or to be pressured into something sexual they don’t want to do.
Most interestingly, they’re also rating the sex they’re having much higher than younger users, showing that for some, sex might just keep getting better with age.
However, this doesn’t reflect the experiences of many married, monogamous couples. For them, the frequency of sex they’re having tends to decrease with age, leading to the now-popular term ‘sexless marriage’.
However, this isn’t true across the board. For some, the deep connection they’ve formed over years spent together increases both the quality of the sex they’re having and the frequency.
Unfortunately, menopause and perimenopause are notorious for hitting the brakes on intimacy.
This stage of life usually includes reduced arousal, meaning there’s less of the blood flow in the genitals that makes sex feel good.
It’s also normal to experience a lowered libido, difficulty orgasming, vaginal dryness, and other unfortunate sexual side effects that add to the day-to-day struggles of menopause.
There are quick fixes for some of these issues, like oestrogen creams and vaginal rings. But other aspects may take a bit more effort, like adjusting to the idea that sex inevitably changes with age – through the need for more foreplay and lube, for example.
For some, though, menopause is a relief that leads to greater sexual freedom thanks to the end of concerns about unwanted pregnancies.
We’re constantly told that youth and sex appeal go hand in hand, and that ageing will inevitably kill the quality and quantity of sex we’re having.
But as a sex coach, I strongly believe we need to give these assumptions a reality check.
It’s not a given that our sex lives will decline with age or with the number of years we’ve been married. Nor is it helpful for anyone to think that.
That’s because we tend to experience what we believe we’re capable of. So, if we embrace the fact that getting older can mean knowing our bodies better, feeling more connected to others, and honing our sexual skills – like learning to have multiple orgasms – we open the door to a sex life that gets better with time.
However, regardless of how old you are, a thriving sex life takes work. This might mean making use of how readily available Viagra is, finding creative ways to get around physical disabilities, or seeking professional support to create more novelty in decades-long relationships.
While ageing might bring its challenges, when you prioritise this part of your life, there’s no reason why your best years in the bedroom can’t still be ahead of you.
Sofie Louise is an Auckland-based trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women in reclaiming their sexuality.
Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.